In her time, Virginia Woolf struggled with stereotypical expectations of women and the expression of truth as a writer. These challenges congealed into a phantom Woolf called “The Angel in the House” – after the character in a well known poem of the day.
“I will describe her as shortly as I can. She was intensely sympathetic. She was immensely charming. She was utterly unselfish. She excelled in the difficult arts of family life. She sacrificed herself daily. If there was a chicken, she took the leg; if there was draught she sat in it – in short she was so constituted that she never had a mind or a wish of her own, but preferred to sympathize always with the minds and wishes of others.”
The Angel in the House tormented Woolf whenever she began to write, coaxing her to:
“Be sympathetic; be tender; flatter; deceive; use all the arts and wiles of our sex. Never let anybody guess that you have a mind of your own.”
But, finally Woolf stood her down.
“I turned upon her and caught her by the throat. I did my best to kill her. My excuse, if I were to be had up in a court of law, would be that I acted in self-defense. Had I not killed her she would have killed me. She would have plucked the heart out of my writing.”
The Angel of Perpetual Giving
I swear Woolf’s phantom has a twin sister named The Angel of Perpetual Giving.
Do you know her too?
Do you become so preoccupied helping others, there’s hardly a moment for your own writing or work? I confess: perpetual giving had soaked through my bones. It seemed I could not separate it out from my self for the life of me. Yet I know deep down this automatic response does not constitute intelligent giving, compassionate contribution, or intentional helpfulness. It’s merely profound neurosis at its very worst!
Out of sheer overwhelm and despair, I cried out. But, how would I kill this Angel of Perpetual Giving? Even Woolf found her invisible Angel intractable and near impossible to subdue.
“It is far harder to kill a phantom than a reality. She was always creeping back when I thought I had despatched her. Though I flatter myself that I killed her in the end, the struggle was severe; it took much time that had better have been spent upon learning Greek grammar; or in roaming the world in search of adventures. But it was a real experience; it was an experience that was bound to befall all women writers at that time. Killing the Angel in the House was part of the occupation of a woman writer.”
If not for good friends, I would be lost indeed. With patience and care, they persuaded me to see it’s not just time I’m giving away, but money to boot – as if I had loads to spare! If someone asked me for $500 would I hand it over without a thought? But asked for the equivalent in time and I would give it with glee. How is it labeled, this sickness that had befallen me?
Now that my synapses have made the connection – time equals money – I’ll be more hesitant to give it away for free. I’ll practice my script:
“Yes, I’m happy to help. I charge XYZ!”
Or, I’ll say “no” to the stream of blog favors asked repeatedly. No more Miss Nice Girl, at long last!
That doesn’t mean I won’t help if I really care! But, I’ve dismantled the automatic switch that says “blindly give”. Each choice will come with a pause followed by mindful intention and an eye to the limits of time.
Do you know these angels? Have they visited you? Have you killed the Angel of Perpetual Giving? If so, please tell us how?
Excerpts from the essay Professions for Women by Virginia Woolf
Thank you so much for reading and sharing. Don’t miss a beat! Sign up for free email updates for more sage advice.
{ 18 comments… read them below or add one }
Sandra, I so enjoyed this post and reading the words of Virginia Woolf you shared.
As women, we are conditioned to be givers and to think it is a most virtuous character trait with more being better. As you know, I used to take giving to a sick level. To give too much, produces unhappiness and impedes progress towards one’s goals, I have found. We must give to ourselves, first and foremost.
I have come to believe that our time is our most valuable asset. More valuable than money even. With it, we create our present and our future. To value our time, is to value ourselves and our lives.
I’m so glad you enjoyed the post, Debbie. I appreciate how you are highlighting the essential point – time is our most valuable asset – even more strongly. That makes it stand out even more for me. Thanks for the support and encouragement.
I know both angels all to well, and I appreciate that you’ve written about them. I started ORW as an answer to the many requests I get for writing help, and while it isn’t always easy to ask for payment for work I find fun, it is important to give it proper value. Thanks for the reminder!
Beverly,
Those angels get around, don’t they! It seems like we are having plenty of opportunities to wrestle with them. I wish you well with this. And, I’m very excited that you find your work fun!
I enjoyed reading Virginia Woolf many years ago as a student and reading your post I can’t believe how relevant her words are today. Our multiple roles mean we are pleasing others on so many levels . I shall revisit some of her work. Thank you.
Hi Claire,
I agree with you fully that Woolf’s words remain relevant today. It seems these particular challenges die hard! I’m glad her words resonated for you. Thanks for letting us know.
Oh Sandra- I know this angels so well and I struggle most days to do what I need to do for me before I say yes to others.
The past year or so for me has been a real lesson in self-care as well as self- love
I have yet to kill off the angel of perpetual giving and i look forward to hearing how your script works for you. Thanks for writing this post. So any will benefit
xxoo
Hi Suzie,
I truly empathize with your struggle. Even Woolf remarked on how it’s not easy to kill these phantoms! Sometimes this ‘false’ way of giving makes it difficult for us to give in a larger more magnificent way! I haven’t used that particular script yet, but I was able to say no to a request. I felt I couldn’t at first, but actually it just takes doing it. And, what I realized is that often it’s not a big deal to the other person. Usually, there are others who can offer the support that they are seeking. I’m tempted to really give this a go for awhile until I feel more settled in myself. Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this, Suzie. I know you have been through so much in the last year. You never cease to amaze me!
Hi Sandra,
I really enjoyed reading Virginia Woolf’s perspective. My high school English teacher was a devoted fanatic of Virginia Woolf, and it must have rubbed off on me. I found her stream of consciousness writing to be incredibly beautiful and insightful. It’s interesting that she called it the Angel of Perpetual Giving. We want to be Angels, but end up hurting ourselves in the end. Wanting to please everyone, we sacrifice our own well-being. I definitely believe your own needs must come first before everyone else’s. Good for you on enforcing your own boundaries and cherishing your personal time and energy. I’ve definitely offered to do things I wasn’t able to, and then just left it for the dust. Not the best way to go, that’s for sure… I’m learning to be confident in enforcing my boundaries. Thanks for the unique, Virginia Woolf perspective on this topic! It’s a refreshing one for sure.
Hi Lynn,
Believe it or not, I haven’t read Virginia Woolf until now but I found this piece so on target. She didn’t actually call her phantom the “angel of perpetual giving” – that’s mine! She simply called it “the angel in the house”.
It seems like almost all of us go through this process of discovering our own boundaries. Thanks for sharing your story. For me, it comes down to being intentional instead of unconscious! Thanks for your thoughts!
Terrific post, Sandra!
Woolf has been a goddess in my personal Pantheon for forty years, and every so often I reread “A Room of One’s Own.” Yet it has been a lifelong struggle to kill the angel in the house. I think I finally got it done over the past couple of years, and particularly over the past couple of months. It wasn’t easy at first, because it meant a complete overhaul of my perspective on nearly everything, really coming to terms with the way I had been conditioned to oppress my own worth and dignity when I was young, and how I continued to do so now, when there was no need whatsoever.
From there, it was a matter of determining exactly what it was I wanted for myself and setting small steps in place to accomplish it–for example, I go straight to my desk every morning now and work until I’ve gotten at least 2,000 words written, come hell or high water. If something comes up to disturb this routine, I don’t hide my annoyance (and that’s a biggie for me). One advantage of having been in the angel’s thrall is that it builds up a lot of credit–I’ve paid dues that weren’t even owed, so being stubborn about those small steps is justified on every possible level. I’m killing the angel with sheer reason.
What’s cool about killing the angel is that the benefits grow exponentially. The more that gets accomplished, the more confidence grows, the more it becomes the new normal, a matter of course.
Meg,
Thank you for this inspiring and useful “mini-instruction”. I can really benefit from your experience and approach and plan to copy and paste your words in my journal for reflection and planning purposes. I’m sure you’ve written about this on your blog, but I bet we would all benefit from hearing more about this if you’d like! You are a star blazing a path for all of us! I’m grateful for your comment and plan to get down with it!
I looked at my calendar a few days ago and thought, where is the time for me?? Every day was full of things to do. True, many things are things I’ve chosen to do, but I’m craving down time. It’s not going to happen naturally, so I see I have to proactively create it. When someone called me last night to volunteer for something at church, I politely said no. When someone asked me today to help with an event I’m planning to attend, I politely said no. I actually blocked off one day a week as a PJ day, to stay home all day in my pajamas and do as I please. People can come visit, but I won’t make any plans or have a to do list those days. Yay! So good for you for not giving away your time and expertise.
Bravo, Galen! I’m finding that people don’t actually mind when I say no politely once I can get over my own hesitation. I love the idea of a PJ day! I hope you have a very enjoyable one. Thanks for adding this important point: we need to proactively create time for ourselves in our life!
Hi Sandra—–what a great post! Yes, I know that angel very well! I have a studio that is away from my house, so at least the cat and husband can’t need attention during the hours that I am there. But our studios have to be open to the public 17 hours a week (we are connected to the city and are for the public’s enjoyment and education)—–so, I am constantly being interrupted by friendly folk poking their heads into my studio, along with my fellow artists who are looking for someone to talk with. I am a very friendly, social person, so it is easy for me to be distracted from my work.
However, several years ago I had a really tight deadline for a show. I let all of my friends know that I would set a timer if they came for visit—-10 minutes and then they had to leave. Most folks respected that and didn’t come in if I was working. I also stopped leaving my phone on in the studio because people were calling to chat about whatever was on their minds! A lot of folk don’t thing artists are really working anyway, so they are the perfect people to interrupt! It is still hard, but I am —most of the time—-able to say no or not now. That angel just keeps popping back up, though, and needs killing all over again!
Hi Jean,
You’ve done exceptionally well given your public work situation! This illustrates there are always ways to take the time and space we need even in more challenging circumstances like this one. It takes a lot of courage to set a timer when people come to visit! Bravo for you! You are a great inspiration. We need all the practical tips we can get so I appreciate your comment so much.
The angel of perpetual giving was my booking agent for many years. The accolades I received for doing so much with so little and on short notice puffed me up with pride.
She whispered in my ear that I could do even more. I beamed in agreement. She admonished me sternly when I wavered intimating that only a mean spirited person would say “no” when asked to do anything for a worthy cause. I was properly chagrined. She tucked me into bed with a tomorrow list and summoned me to wake with the daily roster. I righteously retired with productivity on my mind and awoke reaching for my running shoes at the crack of dawn each day to get ahead of the rush.
The angel or perpetual giving was a bitch who seduced me into performing almost to the point of self destruction. Eight years ago she overbooked me to the brink of disaster. I crashed and burned.
When I was reasonably well healed and requests began to flow in again the angel of perpetual giving hovered over my shoulder. However, when it came to booking appointments I refused to surrender the daily planner and a pen. She sulked for a long while but eventually the angel of perpetual giving flew away to another home.
Good riddance!
This is such an amazing piece, timethief! It describes the treadmill of giving and doing that so many of us have been on. It really deserves to be published on your blog. I’m glad in the end you won and can guide us all along a more reasonable way.
{ 2 trackbacks }